Got Elk?

I have the cute title...I have the boyish charm.

but, do I have the goods?

I don't know

anyway.
Got back from Jasper yesterday where I was for the company christmas party.
it was fun, and frustrating on some levels.
but mostly fun.

One little story I'll share with you concerns me and a herd of nefarious elk. (I just wanted to say 'nefarious'. That word sure does it for me. Like Emporium. sexy words)
anyway, I'm walking back to my cabin on saturday night after all the "hoop-la" and festivities.
Typically, I get lost and wander around for 2 hours. During this time I come upon said elk.

So I decide to stand with them for a while (1/2 hour) and let nature calm my frustrated bones.
After some time passed I thought I'd try and get closer.
There were about 15 of them and most were female.
So I guess the big ol' stag didn't take too kindly to me approaching and he come towards me.
it's at this point that I think it might be better to back up and get the hell out of dodge.

I don't want to be the guy in one of those newspaper stories that majik sznack posts on his blog. You know...the guy that dies from something stupid, and people who read it laugh at him.

I don't want people to laugh at my death, is what I'm trying to say.

newness

I bought a new guitar
I thought of names...like Winnifred
normal-y-ish names
But I think I'll go with a generic name like CRUSHER

actually...maybe something like "the duke" or "major"
maybe "Duke Crusher"
maybe not crusher though.

now that I think about it. Perhaps I should name it after a historical figure.
maybe Karl Marx
if I went with a female....I dunno...Anne Boleyn

Generic Post

just gonna list out some of my favorite albums from this year. This will be the first rough installment (done out of boredom). STAY TUNED FOR A COMPLETELY OVER-WROUGHT AND METICULOUSLY PREPARED TOP 20!!

10. Fembots - The City
It continues to grow on me. A pretty dark brand of alt-country.
Something about how he sings "So long this life is" will make you shiver.
Favorite tracks: So Long, Up From the Ditches, My Life in the Funeral Service

9. Hold Steady - Seperation Sunday
Would it be bad to say that these songs could fit into the soundtrack for That 70's Show.
That's the only way I can describe it. It's really great rock and roll, guys.
Favorite tracks: Cattle and the Creeping Things, Your Little Hoodrat Friend

8. Lucksmiths - Warmer Corners
stubborn optimism, cheerful pessimism, poppy confident arrangements...they live up to their names sake.
Fav tracks: Great Lengths, Sunlight in a Jar, If You Lived Here, You'd Be Home Now

7. Andrew Bird - Andrew Bird and the Mysterious Eggs of Production
He'll tell you that you are just what happens when two substances collide...but he'll wink at you when he says it.
Fav songs: Nervous Tic of Motion Of the Head to the Left, Savoy

6. Constantines - Tournament of Hearts
How many rock bands do you know that can hold one chord for a whole song and somehow wrestle a verse and chorus out of it? This is a clever album. I think in ten years The Constantines will be as much Canadiana as Blue Rodeo

5. The Decemberists - Picaresque
Ah, a delicious treat for you linguists, I'm sure. Meloy churns out 5 dollar words like my mom churns out tea-buns. To a backdrop of Early-modern charicatures and chamber pop arrangements.
Favorite tracks: We Both Go Down Together, The Engine Driver

4. M. Ward - Transistor Radio
The "warmest" album of this year, without a doubt. He could have released this in 1940 and nobody would be phased.
Fav tracks: One Life Away, Sweethearts on Parade, Paul's Song, Radio Campaign

3. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
Conor is one of those artists that I hope to follow for another 10 years at least. The improvements that he makes with each album is nothing to ignore. Every line is poignant and clever. "We must talk in every telephone, get eaten off the web. We must rip out all the epilogues in the books that we have read. and in the face of every criminal strapped firmly to a chair; we must stare, we must stare, we must stare"
listen to: At the Bottom of Everything, Landlocked Blues, Road to joy

2. Wolf Parade - Apologies to the Queen Mary
They got tangled up in the cogs of the 'hype machine' long before the record was even released. Adn whereas bands like Clap Your Hands, Say Yeah seem to have gotten lost in it, the Wolf Parade sound like they could stick around. Queen Mary is cold and empty and desperate. So...if that's your thing, pick it up.
Standouts:
You are a Runner, and I am my Fathers Son
Modern World
Same Ghost Every Night
I'll Believe in Anything
This Hearts on Fire

1. My Morning Jacket - Z
This came out of nowhere for me. I was expecting them to release a good album, but nothing like this. Z feels big and important; cocky and smart. From the very first song to the last.
Check out: Wordless Chorus, Off the Record, Into the Woods, Knot Comes Loose, Dondante

Update

I won something on Saturday night.
I won 3rd place for best dressed at the Blues on Whyte

I think it was more of a "you deserve something cos you had the gall to wear that"

I was just in regular clothes, but I had mouse ears and a tail coming out my ass and whiskers drawn on my face
the dot on my nose got rubbed off fairly quickly

And if you are waiting for me to wax poetic, forget it.

Mother Nature dropped the ball

I got to thinking today.
there are lots of interesting creatures on planet earth.

but, strangely, there's a gap where poisonous bears should be.

There really needs to be a bear that secretes a poison from his teeth and fangs so potent it could kill a horse

Be careful what you say, Leonard is watching

Major Major's 'Advertures With Common Folk'

So just now I was walking down 81st avenue and this guy calls out to me from his door. He asked me a question...and this is indeed one for pondering.

"It's beef you cook with rat poison, right?"

I thought he was joking, but he wasn't.

What can you say?

"yeah..it's beef"

"yeah, cos I don't think it's chicken," he says

I want to fight you

I have never known the joy of human cartilage cracking under my fist.
someone elses blood staining my shirt.

I have never known the satisfaction of uninhibited retaliation

DAMN IT ALL I WANT TO FIGHT YOU IN THE FACE!

next person who looks at me the wrong way is getting a KNUCKLE SANDWICH.
I mean....if you even look at me at all...you will receive a jawbreaker...and not the candy kind...and you won't have to sign for it. I'll just haul off and let the fists of judgement rain down on the top of your head.

That's my move.
most people go for the face...
but I will PUMMEL you right on the top of the head, repeatedly

And then I will take a walk by myself, down to the river.
And I'll get to thinking.
I'M A MONSTER!!!
WHAT HAVE I BECOME!!!!???!!

I'll jump in the river and swim.
I won't know where I'm going...to the sea, eventually.
I just know I have escape...........*hushedwhisper*............from myself

Major Major's Definitive Elliott Smith List

Until I get my BRAIN JUICES flowing again I'm gonna opt for something tried and true. I WILL DO A LIST!!!

Best albums (in order from best to the least best):

1. Self-Titled
2. Either/Or
3. XO
4. From a Basement on The Hill
5. Roman Candle
6. Figure 8

Wanna get into Elliott? any of these might make a good starting point:

Waltz #2
Between The Bars
Miss Misery
Junk Bond Trader
King's Crossing
Clementine
Needle in the Hay
No Name #3

Stay tuned next week for 'Major Major's Definitive Guide to Healthy Living'

Merl goes to the future and returns to find a shrine

"I have gathered you all here this evening for an important announcement", explains Merl, as his friends and family look on with puzzled expressions, "I am leaving tonight, and I will not return."
No he isn't being dramatic.
and, no, he isn't insane.
Our friend Merl was approached earlier with a choice. He could either stay here on Earth and live out the rest of his days until he dies an old man
OR
he could travel the universe; every last inch of it...every last planet.
Of course, the catch is he could never see the people he loved again. Travelling the universe requires more than octane. You have to move at the speed of light.
Therefore, a year to our friend Merl would be many lifetimes for his friends.
Anyway, I think Merl had something more to say.

"I know you are all thinking that I've finally lost my last screw, but I kid you not. After this night you will never see me again. I will return...eventually...but you will all be many years dead. I'm not expecting you to believe me now. All I ask is this:
When ten years have passed and no sight of me or my body have been seen, do this for me: go to the place where I spent so much time as a child; my family's log cabin by Kiln's Cove. Leave for me there, buried but clearly marked, whatever messages you want me to read when I return many years in the future. Leave me something to remember you by."

And so he left and journeyed to the ends of the universe. So many things he saw that he began to think of our own galaxy as a speck of dust, and our own sun as a small star. But regrets he harboured...they boiled inside of him. Perhaps he had all he needed back home. Perhaps the company of friends actually does outweigh the exploration of things unknown.

Meanwhile his fame grew back on Earth. He became a myth. A legend. His log cabin became the destination of pilgramages, and eventually, the biggest time capsul/historical site in the world. People travelled from all over to leave messages for Merl, in hopes they would someday be read.

What Merl found when he returned was beyond words.
A 10 story 'museum' of sorts; some floors devoted to messages and notes from pilgrams, some devoted to Merl himself - every detail of his life.

But all he could do when faced with this spectacle was fall to his knees and weep tears of regret.
Was this worth it?

a short story for Marc

Ah. yes! let me tell you a tale about, King Hermadottious and his 8 swan's a'kindling

They burnt bright so that the night's were a'glowin!!!
Sara, the one With a case of the 'short's" was there: with her 3 friend's a'glimmerin'...

The first friend was named: Roncho McRonald. and he Had 4 eye's a'shimmerin
the 2nd was - of cours. Shear's Hamwing's, reknowned amongs the 6 Warrior's a'flakin
and: finaly; There was the legendarie Potboy le Bellyrascal. He owned the 8 swan's and endowed on them their magical power's. 5, all told
5 power's a'broodin

The end

I Ain't No Beanbag

so today I'm 24
if I had 2 birthdays a year I'd be, like, 48 now

REVIEW: The Graduate

I never noticed how, at some angles, young Hoffman looks like Alan Cummings

anyhow...obviously, I really enjoyed this movie. Hilarious and sincere all at once, it takes a situation that would make for light laughs on a sit-com and explores every awkward nook and cranny.
Even though it was released in '67, if has the feel of a modern, 'new-wave' movie.
Time changes and scene cuts are used brilliantly, for example.
actually, there isn't much bad I can say about this movie...aside from the soundtrack. 'let's see how many time we can fit Sound of Silence and Scarborough Fair into 2 hours!'

4.5 MILF's/5

REVIEW: whole safeway chickens

under 10 dollars
good for eating immediately, while warm
good for future sandwich meats
no blood!

on the downside, it doesn't really age well. After a week it gets kinda pasty

RATING:
4 still-born chicks/5

Welcome!

Welcome to my new BLOG
Probably only 0.0002% of the whole world will ever see it...and I'm quite sure my math is a little off there, but oh well...who need's people?

dogs, maybe...but who cares about dogs?

anyway, I'm still trying to figure out what this will all be about
the purpose of it
the Raison d'etre

I'm thinking of reviewing albums every couple days...throw in some pouting, lamenting, gnashing of teeth...and you got just about every BLOG every created

but for just one moment try to imagine gnashing only your top row of teeth. If somebody only had one row of teeth, how would they gnash them together?
To me, this creates a very funny mental image, which is no doubt enhanced by the Pilsner in my blood.
ah, my crutch..how I both love thee and hate thee